VILLAIN OF THE YEAR
Rita appears in the background as one of the guests at the "Villain of the year" awards, she is dressed up to the nines in a fur shawl and diamond tiara in this sketch. The scene cuts to other sketches then back to the ceremony. The final scene sees the lights go out and when they come back on all the guests are in their underwear as some "Villain" has stolen all their clothes
23rd February 1977
MATCHES
This silent little filler (which is inserted between the "Villain of the year" sketch) features Rita in a long blonde wig and red beret, she walks past Benny (who is a con man selling matches) She flirts with him and when he doesn't take notice she makes a face and walks away.
The scene cuts back again and Rita swans back in front of Benny, takes the money from his hand stuffs it down her pink
blouse and grabs him by the arm pulling him with her, as he does his hopeless Benny look.
UGLY BRIDE
Rita probably gets some of the worst insults on camera as Benny's silent "ugly" bride. The couple are standing in front of the vicar (Henry McGee) Rita puts on her "I'm an ugly old hag" face and stands next to Benny smiling in her white wedding dress, staring happily at the vicar. Benny on the other hand is thinking about all the money he will get when her father pegs it (Jack Wright) He looks at Rita and the camera gives a close up on her face as he thinks "Oh lord I done it now ain't I, just look at her, look at that face. Looks like it wore out two bodies." And "aw she is ugly though. Cop that face, looks like an un-made bed" he suddenly realises he has to sleep with her and goes into a panic he thinks "Bed? ere will I have too? I can't, I couldn't, I couldn't. I can't. I can't let myself in for this. I just can't, I can't do it. I won't, I won't. Not for all the money in the world." At this point his eyes are closed and the scene goes into a speeded up fantasy as Benny runs out of the church, finally turning up at his girlfriends house and as he holds her in his arms and she says "You do want me don't you" Benny shouts "I do, I do I do" and wakes up standing next to Rita in the church with the vicar saying "and now you may kiss the bride" Rita kisses Benny on the cheek as he stands there in shock. As the newly weds leave the church, Rita linked to Benny's arm looks on mesmerised while Benny passes the girlfriend in his dream who is in the church as the tune to "Here comes the bride" is played.
VICTORIAN SCANDAL
This sketch sees Rita as the wealthy mother, who's daughter wants to sleep with the servant (Hill) Rita in a grey wig rushes into the room shouting "Susan, my child what has happened? My dear you can't sleep with the servant, you can't, you can't. Not with him! It doesn't bare thinking about does it? (Benny shakes his head yes & no)
Her daughter answers back "I've given my word. I've sworn on your life. I must, I have too. Tonight I shall lye in his bed." Rita pleading cries "Oh my dear let me go in your place" Benny drops some crockery that smashes to the floor at the thought of sleeping with Rita. Her daughter tells her "No mother, I'm determined, if Charles won't beg my forgiveness I swear I'll do it." Rita runs out of the room, hysterical crying "Oh I can't bare it, I can't bare it, Charles, oh."
BLIND DATE
Rita was given one of her best "Hill" sketches as Edie Grimphorpe in this episode. Benny arranges to meet Ruth and friend outside "The Ritz" cinema. Ruth turns up alone and tells Benny her friend Avril can't make it, but Edie Grimthorpe can. Benny remarks "She always can, will she be going home first or will she come straight round ere from the slaughterhouse?" as he says this Rita turns up from around the corner. The audience give her a round of applause as she excitedly says "Hello Ruth, Hello Harry" Benny turns to her and says "Oh hello, gawd it must be a face it's got ears on it." Rita reaches into her handbag and gets out a powder puff, saying, "I bet I look a mess?" Benny replies, "Yeah you do an all" Rita powders her face replying, "There, that's better" Benny throws another bitchy comment her way "Than what?" Rita ignores him he looks her up and down and says "And straighten yer stockings, they're all wrinkled." Rita surprised answers "I'm not wearing any." She turns to Ruth showing her necklace off "do you like my pearls" she asks Ruth "Ohh I like them Edie. Aw are they real?" Rita replies "Of course they are" Ruth changes positions with Rita and so is back to back with Benny who turns around saying "Oh come on yer not gonna tell me those are real?" as he points his fingers to Ruths busty chest. Benny shouts at her "Don't keep nipping about like that" Rita quips, "They're cultured" and Ruth adds, "That's more than you are." Rita saddles up to Benny and asks "Ere what about your friend. He ain't one of them Punk Rockers is he?" Benny replies "Oh no love he's very high class. He's more like a debs delight, yer know." Rita excited, replies "Ohh his loaded is he?" Benny with a smile on his face tells her "Most nights" by this stage Ruth is getting inpatient and asks where they were going. Benny standing next to Rita replies "Well we can go in here if yer like" he opens the newspaper and says "Or at the Regent there's the "Sale of Two, Tale of to cities supported by the mummy's hand" Rita has to stop herself from laughing as the audience roar with laughter, Benny continues "Oh at the Bijou there's "Naked as nature intended." Rita with a gasp cries out ""Ohh I couldn't go and watch a film like that. If I was to watch a film like that, I'd have to bury my face." Benny can't resist another insult and yells "Well that's an idea ennit." At this point the audience cheer as Jack Wright enters the scene (wearing a spikey wig) Rita comments, "He ain't much to look at is he?" and asks Benny "Why don't he come over ere then?"Benny tells her "Well I mean he's only twenty, he's a bit shy." And Rita snaps "Yeah by about thirty years" Benny goes over to Jack and asks him what he thinks of his date. Jack replies "I don't think much of mine, bye-bye" and starts to walk off, Benny pulls him back saying "Don't you wanna see the monster of the black lagoon" Jack replies "I've just seen her" Rita and Ruth are seen chatting in the background as Benny chats to Jack Benny tells him "Listen mate she's just been to the beauty parlour" Jack drolly asks "Was it shut?" Eventually Benny persuades him to meet Rita. Rita tells him "I don't think I've had the pleasure" and again in true Jack Wright style he replies "I'm not surprised." Ruth asks once more where they are going Benny tells them "We don't all have to go together do we? I mean two of us might wanna go in here and two might wanna go down the tunnel of love!" with that Rita screeches "Oh I don't wanna go down the tunnel of love with her. That's like bread and bread." Benny snaps at her "What do yer want, jam on it." Jack tells Benny they should all stick together and Benny takes him aside for another little chat, telling the girls "Excuse me will you"Rita shouts "be my guest" and stands chatting with Ruth. Benny tells Jack that they've got to split them up or they won't get anywhere, Jack tells Benny he doesn't know what to do with Rita. Finally they come back to the girls and Benny tells Rita that Jack is a "Reigning all Ireland dance champion" adding "I expect you've already noticed his stylish gate?" Rita in true cockney style replies "I ain't even seen his house." Benny undeterred tells her "and he as asked me to ask you if you'll go dancing with him this evening?" Rita gives him the thumbs down saying "Oh I can't see on account of my very close veins" Ruth butts in and whisks Jack away saying "Aw but I can, I've never danced with a champion before!" Benny cries out "Oi what about me" and Jack turns around and tells him "You've gotta split them up, otherwise nobody's gonna get anywhere" the couple head off dancing leaving Benny with Rita who excitedly tells him "Oo you are crafty! The crafty way you got rid of them so you could be with me. Why did yer pick on me then?" Benny yawning replies "Cos you're so exciting." Rita fuelled with excitement continues, "aw we could go to the fun fair. I'd like to go in the haunted house" Benny quips "You'd be at home in there, wouldn't yer." Rita continues "They've got mirrors in there that make you look ever such a funny shape." Benny again gives a bitchy remark "You've got a head start ain't yer." Rita still feeling romantic tells him "And then we could go into the tunnel of love. And Harry you won't be disappointed, cos I've put on some kiss proof lipstick." She pouts her lips at Benny who fires back at her "You needn't have bothered." Rita hurt this time asks "Why not?" and Benny fires the final insult "Cos you've got a kiss proof face!" Rita probably does her best bit of acting in a Benny Hill sketch with this piece, and momentarily the audience are stunned to silence as Rita turns comedy to tragedy and then back again. She tells Benny with tears in her eyes ""Ah it's no good me kidding meself, I know you'd rather be with Ruth. I'm always the one that some fella gets stuck with. Never the one he wants. But you must understand Harry, that even if a woman ain't much to look at, she needs to be loved, just as much as a pretty girl. More so in fact, because she needs reassuring. Can't you see that Harry. Harry?" Benny looks guilty and asks "What?" Rita says "I want you to do something for me, I want you to ask me to go out with you. Ask me nicely, as if you really wanted me too, Please Harry" Benny looks ashamed of himself and tells her "Edie I'd be very proud, I'd be very honoured to take you out tomorrow night. Will you come?" Rita looks up at him all romantic like and says "Say Please Harry, say please!" Benny does what she asks him too "Please Edie, will you come?" and Rita with venom spits back "NO!" and proudly marches off